Im Coming Out...?

Okay so ive been trying to think of a way to do this where everybody wouldnt freak out and ive come up with absolutely nothing... so since nobody ever reads my blog, i just thought i would 'come out' on here... so.. i am Bi.. Nobody knows this and i guess im afraid for people to know this about me because everyone is so judgemental. I know most of my friends will accept this because they are just that awesome of friends. So i guess this is me coming out...???

The night that wasnt worth living for..

Nobody noticed the cuts because she covered them well..
and nobody knew this but her life had been hell..
She took it out on herself because its what felt best.
she would have failed if life had been a test.
Because one night the torture was to much to bare,
so she swallowed some pills and waited right there.
She woke up only feeling pittiful and sick
the pain throughout her body had been coated thick.
She didnt think of her friends but only herself.
she knew people would come but she didnt want their help.
She wanted to die because life seemed so pointless
but that bottle of pills was supposed to end all her stress.
It didnt though because she chickened out.
she was rushed to the hospital, as her mom watched her pout

....... so this is what i have started for a poem from the night that i tried to kill myself..
im stuck at what else to write but just know that this is 'to be continued' in case you want to read more

HES AN ASSHOLE! so why do i still LIKE HIM???

i wish i could choose who i like.. ya know? I wish i could just make certain feelings that i have about certain people, just go away.. i liked him and he hurt me and i really dont want to like him anymore. I want to HATE him and cringe at the sound of his name but i cant. When i hear his name, it makes me sad.. and i dont even know why..! I HATE HIM... well i WANT to hate him.. i think i almost do actually and when the day comes then i will be able to love myself again.. well not completely love myself but love myself MORE... uuuhhh i dont think anyone will know what im ranting about but i dont care, i just had to do it

Our place

The trees rustle,
my heart flies.
We're sitting in the field,
just watching the sky.
I want to be here forever,
just with you,
when im here,
i know that we're the perfect two.
You. Me.
Us.
Together.
Its perfect.
Nothing could be better...
Your words like a sonnet,
your eyes crystal clear,
now we sit alone in silence,
but i can still perfectly hear.
Hear the thoughts that your thinking,
they are completely for me.
and the thoughts im am dreaming,
are plain for you to see.
Our hands are mingled,
eyes interlocked,
we smile at eachother.
All other images are blocked
This should last forever.
Just you and I- together.

Preps..

Theyre so fake. i actually feel sorry for them..
But not me, i dont need to pretend..

The Vicious Cycle Continues

Even when im not alone i feel like i am because honestly... no one understands... no one even CARES or NOTICES... but i dont mind because ill continue putting on that fake grin and that happy-go-lucky attitude when in reality, none of its true. My personality isnt true, my friends arent true... my whole life isnt true. Its all built up on lies... so many lies that i couldnt even count them. And nobody knows how i feel. They say they do but trust me, i know they dont. Theyre just trying to make me feel better and i do... for a little while but only until i remmember why i was even sad in the first place.. so then there i am again, acting happy when i feel like crying, laughing when i feel like screaming, breathing when i feel like suffocating.. and EXISTING when i feel like DISSAPEARING.. </3 and so the vicious cycle continues....

Karissa...

My Dearest Karissa,
You are amazing and i wish i could be like you... but i cant. And i know we're in a really big fight right now and its for really stupid reasons... but i want you to know that even if you hate me at the moment i will always love you! I wish we could go back to before this whole thing with Steven and Bre and everyone saying stuff happened because its ruined our friendship... I miss you... and i wish you werent mad at me any more because i love you... </3 please stop being mad at me... PLEASE?! And Bre if youre reading this, YES Karissa is my friend and i want you and Monica to leave Karissa alone because shes never done anything to you to and y'all are hurting her feelings for NO reason! So STOP because i am sick and tired of my best friend being sad and hating me for not doing anything about it. And if you cant stop saying shit about Karissa then im sorry but we cant be friends... Bre its your choice

IDEK

(￣(エ)￣) Zin Panda...
（．＿．) sighh
(*≧▽≦) W00t W00t!!!
( ´ ▽ ` ) Tweet tweet
―(T_T)→ There appears to be an arrow in my head...!
＼(>o<)／ BOOYA!!
(。_゜)   Wuhhht?!
(ﾟДﾟ≡ﾟДﾟ)
(*・_・)ノ⌒* Throw!
(ﾟｰﾟ)(｡_｡) Yesh!
（＾＿－）☆ Wink... random star?
(*＾-＾*) Teehee!
(*゜Д゜*)
(>_<)○------(^o^)○  BITCH SLAPPED..!!!
（*＾＾）/~~~~~~~~~~◎  YOYO!
(; ・_・)―――C<―_-)  Caught You!
( `_)乂(_' ) Sword fight! HIYAH!
( ´(00)`) OINK
(*^_^;)_o/━━━━━━>ﾟ)))≫彡Fishing! lalala
(*^)3(◎o◎) KISSES!!! Muah!
(⌒o⌒)(^  ) I Kees yew!
⊂(●￣(エ)￣●)⊃ I ish bearrr... Rawr
ミ━━━★ Shooting STAR
(_￣■￣_) Yawn.. cuz i ish boredd
(●ω●) uh ohhh i sheet!


I was bored...

Just a Contest

People everyday are slowly ripping the seams of life apart..
Tearing the threads that hold our fragile exsistence together. Taking every last shred of hope and turning it into failure. They continue to do what they do while the good people left in our society sit back and watch them destroy whats left of earth. People continue to die, resources continue to slowly fade into nothing, and everyone with good in them are steadily turning into the bad people due to lack of confidence and money. Whos to blame for all of this though? Its not just one person. For instance: the president... of course if something goes wrong, he gets the blame for it but is it really his fault? No its not. Its EVERYONEs fault. Thats right... you and you and you. and your parents and their parents and your cousin and your brother. Its everyone. We are all the problem. We have all contributed into making our country, our world, our SOCIETY into what it is today. Just a game of whos cooler, more popular, whos got the coolest clothes, and whos richer. Thats all life really is. Thats all we've turned it into... just a contest.

Sure... Its True

Im not supposed to but i do.
I dont want to, but i cant not...
i cant say what this is about
but i think that if your the right person then you will know.
I tried not to and you know that i have.
But it didnt work. I couldnt just stay away
We're the closest friends
and im thankful for that and its enough
It always will be enough...
...maybe...
no not maybe, not no. It WILL be enough because it has to be.
Having you atleast in my life is better then not at all.
Nobody understands whats happening
even if they say that they do.
They DONT. and they never will.
But its okay because everyone knows it true now
and thats okay.
They can all deal with it... i can deal with it
and its obvious that you can deal with it too.
So sure... Its true
and if anyone knows what im going on
and on
and on about
then that means this poem is about you and now you know
that these 'rumors' are TRUE.

Diary of a Doll

She forgot me...

I thought we couldnt be separated.

Shes only 10 and ive been her doll since she was a baby

We've been through everything...

The potty training, the first step, her first loose tooth... her FIRST day of school

I never thought we'd grow apart

........................................................................................................................

Now shes 14 and the only thing on her mind is boys.

She knows where i am, tucked away soundly in the back of her closet

Even her room has changed. It used to be pink and covered in stickers

Now its white and posters of boy bands hide the walls

Has she really forgotten her best child hood friend?

She couldnt have...

She wouldnt..?

She has.

..........................................................................................................................

My hair is a collection of faded yellow yarn, my eyes are just ripped seams

The dress i wear is torn and stained from grape juice... her favorite

My heart, hidden under all this stuffing, is mourning over my loss

The closet is a lonely dark place... it keeps me parted from the rest of the world

..........................................................................................................................

The years have gone by slowly without a friend to share the time with

Shes just turned 19 and i see boxes, more and more of them every day, piling up.

The stacks grow taller and taller with each day, until one day the doors open and she finds me

Her hands around my waist are warm and comforting

I see a smile slip across her face and i can tell she remembers who i am

...................................................................................................................................

What happened?...

I dont understand.

She looked so happy when she found me and now shes put me in a bag

Its black and dark in here but i see light through a hole poked in the side

Time seems warped... even slower then when i was in the closet

We've moved... and shes unpacked everything... everything except me

..............................................................................................................

"No please.. Not again! Anywhere but here..!" i tell her with my eyes

but no... she doesnt understand... Im back in a closet.

Again im hidden alone in this darkness

I collect dust and i fade. Day in and day out. Night fall and sunrise. Again... and again...

Im unimportant, worthless and nothing without a child to play with me

I used to be hers, she used to be mine but now time has taken that away from us

.....................................................................................................................................

My wish, my ONLY wish is to have a doll exactly like me to share this lonely...

lonely world with...

My heart is much like the closets ive spent my solitary life in...

Dark.

Empty.

And FORGOTTEN

..........................................................................................................................

Hours fade to days.

Days fade to weeks.

Weeks to months, months to years

and soon enough even the years turn to decades.

Coats of dust blanket me, make my nose itch... tickle my withered eyebrows.

Soon i too shall be a pile of debris.

In short time, ill be just a lump of what used to be her favorite doll.

Her best friend... </3

She Wont Tell

The pain in her eyes show you shes not as happy as she seems. Her life is shallow and meaningless.. She wont say why shes disturbed because nobody knows that she is. She goes to school everyday faking that sweet smile and that quiet laugh. Everyone says 'your gorgeous and thin' but thats not what she sees. In the mirror shes 200 pounds, her eyes are muddy and scared and her insides are just as ugly as her outsides. Her mind is tortured but nobody knows... why be happy when life is how it is? Theres only a few reasons to love life and be glad but those are hidden by the thousands of reasons to be sad. her Mouth is sewed shut so her words cant escape, eyes glued to blind her from the little beauty left in the world, mind covered in cobwebs so she can forget her past, and her breath taken away to suficate the pain. She... will never tell. I... will never tell.

God

Its really hard to believe there is a god... you know what i mean? Like seriously, have you ever thought about that? If there was a god then why the hell would he make life suck so much? The tsunami in japan killed thousands of people and if god was real then why would he do that? Millions of people have been murdered and raped and wrongly convicted of things that werent their fault... if god was real and if he is who the bible says he is, then he wouldnt let those things happen. People dont understand life and why things happened so what do they do? They create reasons to explain what they dont understand.. such as god.. Not even scientists can explain why the universe is here so people created a safety blanket to explain everything. You ask christians why the sun exists and why planets exist and they tell you god made them but he didnt because if he actually exsisted then he wouldnt make people suffer or indure pain or make preppy bitches who laugh at people because "there clothes arent cool", "theyre hair is ugly" or "theyre to fat...".  Theres no way god is real...

What you cant have...

You say that you're fine
but i see that you're sad..
I try to ask why
and you just get mad
You wont tell me a word
but i sense something's wrong.
We've been doing great,
getting along
Since somethings happened,
weve drifted apart..
I want to go back,
back to the start <3
When you were always happy
and we were in love
when the day lasted forever,
and i wasnt a girl you needed to get rid of..
Well now im gone
and you seem to want me again
but im through,
through with the pain the i was in..
Ill tell all your secrets,
because you told mine.
Spread them to the world
Then put it all behind
Ill give you a kiss,
dont worry.. its only our last..
ill walk away
and you'll wish you had me back
But im gone for sure
and i can tell you care
even though you say you dont
i still see you stare..
What goes through your mind,
ill never know
but ill dress up
just to show..
To show you what youve lost,
and what you gave away.
You see what you want
and youll think of me every day..

You Fooled Everybody... Even Me

I hide my tears with a fake smile and pretend laugh,

Because all this time i was cheated into thinking you were my other half

When you stole my heart i thought i would be okay

And now you decide that you just want to throw it away

I dont think about anyone but you and how perfect you are.

When you broke up with me, I was left with just another scar.

Its a scarce reminder of what could have been,

Im screaming inside when i see you showing your flawless grin

Its not for me, I know now that it never was

You dont realize that my heart feels wounded, but it does

Ill never be whole again, youve made sure of that

its to bad i never stopped to wondeer why you never called to chat

I never meant anything to you did i?

I knew our rekationship would end but i still dont understand why